Category: RAMBLINGS

Wow, the last time I was here I was in my third trimester. Boy how time flies. Cannon is now 18 months old. I guess a little life update is necessary. Sienna is almost 7 (insane) and Chloe just turned 4. Oh, my sweet babies. They really are the best kids. Life is crazy right now with our schedules (mostly Scott’s) and their ages, but I know it won’t last forever.

Sienna just finished a cheer camp, which she absolutely loved. I had no idea how well she would do performing in front of a large crowd and she killed it. She is starting first grade this year. She has also started gymnastics and piano lessons. She is a busy and active girl. It sometimes feels like she has never ending energy. Chloe is going into pre-k this year, her last year at Prestonwood. She is finally showing interest in learning her letters and numbers. Coco loves her siblings sooo much. She loves art and school and playing. She is still a tornado. Cannon is a fireball. While is hasn’t started saying words and/or sentences as early as his sisters, he is riding his bike off boxes and climbing things and going down slides head first. He is very strong and active and eats SO MUCH. He is also very smart and stubborn. And he is a Velcro baby with Dad. Dad is his ultimate bestie. Scott loves is (mostly).

Scott is still working nights and is an FTO now. He is still loving BJJ. We drove down to Houston with the girls this last Father’s Day for a tournament. He did well and we had so much fun. And me… well, here I am. I am 18 months postpartum and completely lost. My hormones are haywire, I decided to stop going to camp, I don’t feel like I am excelling at anything, I don’t have great energy for most things, I’m out of shape, and I don’t laugh near as much as I’d like to. But God.

I have hope. I know things can change. I know I can change things. I just need to take a page from Anna’s book and do the next right thing. Make healthy choices. Envision where I want to be and make the choices that a person in that position would make. Lots of prayer and movement and discipline. I would like to make homeschooling the best experience for my kids, laugh more, be healthier, be more active alone and with the family, have a decluttered home, and maybe find a way to make some money on the side.

Year one of homeschooling was a success. Sienna did well. We had fun and we met new friends and were always on the go. Summer has been fun as well. We have a summer bucket list up that we are actually doing well at marking off! Leslie came and stayed with us for 5 weeks. It felt like it went by so fast. Shell is coming to visit this week. It has been too long since we have seen her, even though we talk almost every day.

This next school year we have another busy year planned out. Dad is off Mondays and Tuesdays so we try to schedule most things Tuesday through Friday. Sienna does school each day. Mondays are left for family fun mostly. Chloe will go to school Tuesday and Sienna will do gymnastics. Wednesdays we are trying a new program called Barefoot University. It is a “forest school” where everything happens outside and the kids learn while they explore. It runs through the school year. Thursdays Chloe goes to school and Sienna has piano lessons. Then Fridays Sienna will go to enrichment classes (art and literature) and I plant to take the littles to story times and gymnastics, etc. The weekend will be the weekend. Scott will work every other and when he’s off we will plan family stuff or catch up.

Well, the girls are awake now. Today has been off to a great start. Time for breakfast and cleaning the house on a beautiful Saturday!!

“Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.”

I am so tired. The third trimester has hit me like a brick wall.

I am tired and out of breath and blah basically at all times. I am very thankful for a healthy baby boy, a healthy me, and a smooth pregnancy, I am just so tired. I can’t even keep my eyes open long enough to tuck the girls into bed. And then I am wide awake at 5 am, but still feel blue and blah throughout the day. Other than that, everything is going great pregnancy-wise. I have gained about 10 pounds total so far. I am still going to OTF once a week and the regular gym, although I am trying to slow down a little and listen to my body. I am also feeling overwhelmed a little about life and very emotional. I feel like I can’t keep up with anything and don’t feel like we have anything to plan for the future. Everything is unknown and up in the air and I am on the verge of a good cry every second. It is an extremely uncomfortable feeling. I am so used to being in control and even for the short times I’m not, I am able to snap out of it and get right back into my groove and I know, for the most part, what the future is going to look like, or at least what direction we are headed in. Maybe God is teaching me a lesson in letting go. I keep feeling a pull to just surrender to it all, and to Him, and have peace in the unknown. I’m trying. It’s hard. It’s hard not knowing where we will live or even where the baby’s room will be. Will the girls end up sharing a room because we stay in the rental? Will we stay in this rental? Buy a home? Will Sienna be homeschooled or go to kinder next year? Will the delivery go smoothly or will we have complications? Will I be able to deliver without an epidural? Will the baby get sick because he is born in the smack dab middle of winter? Will we be able to start saving money soon even with the pay cut we took to come out here? We are very lucky to have a roof over our heads, heat during the cold, clean water, etc., the girls need nothing, and we are healthy. I am very grateful for what we do have. Just feel a little stuck in this season of not knowing or having a plan. This is where we let go and let God.

The girls are growing up so fast. It breaks my heart to watch. No one warns you about the heartbreak of parenting. This too shall pass. They don’t stay little. And we will never have enough time with them, no matter how long we live. The days are so long and the years are so short. Our girls are so amazing and perfect in every way. I hope they can feel how much we love them. Truly, madly, deeply. They are the absolute light of our lives. Everything we do in life is for them. I am so lucky to have a partner in life who matches all of those feelings with our children. Through this complicated time, there is still something to be thankful for. I have to remember the good parts. I am so grateful for my babies and my amazing husband. I am very very lucky to have the little family I have. I hope they all know how much I love them.

We are sooo excited to meet our little man. HE DOES NOT STOP MOVING. I go to bed, he’s moving. I wake up, he’s moving. I sit, he’s moving. I work out, he’s moving. Always. Which is great. It just makes me want to see who is causing all the commotion in there! I wish I had a space to prepare for him. That’s a little bit of a bummer, but we don’t know the future so for now he just gets a bed in Mom and Dad’s room and a dresser in the guest room to change him on. I’m sure he’ll take up the whole house once he gets here. The girls can’t wait to meet him. Chloe talks to him all the time and gives him kisses and Sienna has started to sing him lullabies. They are going to be the best big sisters. My dreams of how my family would look are definitely coming true. For that I could not be more thankful.

The girls and I are planning to make a gratitude tree to put up in our hallway for the holidays. Everyone that comes over gets to add a leaf or two to the tree… we are excited for that. Actually, I think I’ll go start that with them now….

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

We moved to Texas, y’all! I am still in shock. We have been here a month now, and finally getting settled in. I’m sure we won’t feel fully settled for a while, but at least we got the computer up and running, and most of the boxes unpacked. I can’t believe we actually made it happen. AND we are pregnant with a baby boy. Third time’s a charm! There has been so much happening in the past few months, I feel like my head is still spinning. That was not an easy season AT ALL. But we made it through, like we knew we would.

Now we begin the next tough season of building a life in a whole new place without our friends and family. I saw a picture of Scott and our friends on our refrigerator today that made me a cry a little. We are excited for this new chapter, AND we are grieving leaving behind some pretty important people. Both are true at the same time. Slowly but surely, we will find our community here and everything will be exactly what we make of it.

*****

I saved that draft one day and never got back to writing. But today is a few days later and I felt compelled to sit and ramble. I have been continuing to unpack today while the girls ran around and played and made messes. Scott just got home from work and is sitting on the floor behind me doing crafts with the girls, I have dinner in the oven, and the dog is on the floor with us chewing his bone. I am extremely tired, but I am so content.

We took a bit of a pay cut at first to come out here, so we decided against paying for Sienna to go to pre-k . Instead, I ordered a pre-k homeschool curriculum and we are going to try that out this year and see how it goes. We also joined a homeschool fellowship group and will do meets and park days and field trips with them. And we started going to church and we found one we like so far. And we have started to make friends and learn the places around us. It seems like there is already so much happening, but so much more still to look forward to.

I can’t believe we are going to have a new baby here in under 5 months. It is going by so quickly and I am so afraid and feel so ill prepared for three children. We also got rid of ALL our baby stuff, so we are starting all over again. Thankfully it is baby #3 so we really won’t need a ton. Also thankfully, Christmas will come before baby arrives, so hopefully we can get help in the form of Christmas gifts!

Well, I am tired as hell so I guess this is a short one.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

The other day I went to lunch with some girlfriends. During lunch I shared that I got a job and the immediate response was joyful congratulations from both women. And it actually made me uncomfortable. I know they were trying to be supportive and they were excited for me, but I instantly almost regretted saying it out loud. I truly know they didn’t mean anything by it, but in that moment of celebration I felt so small. Like they were so excited when they found out I had a job again, how did they feel before that moment? Were they not as excited for me to be home with my babies? Were they not as proud of my accomplishments at home because I wasn’t working? Did they not see me as a strong woman still before I told them I had a “job” that paid me instead of the job of being a mother and a homemaker?

This also came on the heels of a conversation I had with my best friend since I was 12, during which she told me she didn’t think I was the strong and independent woman she once knew. Sometimes I feel like I am alone on the outside looking in on a room where I don’t belong anymore. Does me wanting to engulf myself into raising my children and serving my family make me not strong? Does it make me less than? Because I don’t want to be part of a society that prioritizes the “hustle” over peace, or the corporate world over my children’s world? I just don’t feel the need to have a 9-5 or leave my home everyday and leave my kids in someone else’s hands. I struggle to see where that makes me less than or weak. Don’t get me wrong, I used to have a hard time telling people that I quit my job to stay home with my children. I hesitated before I would explain meekly that I stayed at home now, and I never left out that I used to work. But now, I realize what a necessary and important job I am doing. I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about my choices. Just because I stay home instead of leaving my kids to go to work also doesn’t mean my kids will never see an example of a hard working, strong, independent woman. I have always prided myself in being independent and strong, and I am no different in that way now.

I don’t say any of this to say that I think moms who leave the home to work are less than or better than. They are just different. I don’t think kids who have moms who work are doomed. I had a mom who worked, and I am still a strong woman. If my mom stayed home with us, I don’t really know how fulfilled she actually would have been. Maybe she would have been miserable and thus made our lives even more miserable. Who knows. All I know is that my children will be raised by their mother and father. They will always know that they are my priority in life. They will always see their mom and dad put their marriage before any job or friends or other distractions in life, and they will always have a safe space in our home. We will all learn and grow and make mistakes together. I will give my family the life I always longed for. And I am no weaker for it.

And another thing, I have a SIL who has been through some things in life that have left her feeling overwhelmed and in the middle of grief. She made a comment on the internet that she doesn’t want to have to be strong or resilient, she wants to be soft and vulnerable. But can’t we be both? Our society has made strong and resilient synonymous with tough, but I don’t think they are or have to be. I think people feel like they have to be one or the other, but why not both? Why can’t we be both strong and soft? Resilient and vulnerable? Independent, hard worker and SAHM. I think we can. I understand the sentiment of not wanting to have to go through hard things in life, but life IS suffering. Whether or not you are religious, all of life is suffering. The sooner we realize that we deserve nothing, and we are bound to suffer, but that is a good thing, the better our lives will be.

Anyway, all I know is I have never felt stronger. I have never felt more at peace. My life is not easier, I just feel more authentic and stronger and more fulfilled than ever before.

“But a woman raising her children is not only shaping the next generation, she is also shaping little humans who are going to live forever. The souls she gave birth to are immortal. Immortal. And somehow, our culture looks at a woman who treats that as if it might be an important task and says, ‘It’s a shame she’s wasting herself. She could be doing something important-like filing paperwork for insurance claims.'” – Eve In Exile

Every morning I write in my gratitude journal. This morning I went back to the beginning to see what I had written since last year and I found this entry from September 2021:

“What a crazy time we are living in. who knew 1984 would actually be real life. Well, I guess a few people since he wrote the book and someone made the movie V for Vendetta. This is not the time I ever pictured raising my girls in. I hope they don’t experience the worst of it. But I can’t help but think of the saying, ’you were born for such a time as this.’ I’m not sure if I feel like I’m growing up because of my age or because of the last two years happening. Maybe both. But I know I am changing. What I care about is changing. How I want to live my life is changing. How I want to raise my girls isn’t totally changing, but I am changing the ways I thought I would do it. I want nothing more for them than resilience and grit and calm and peace and strength and love and kindness and compassion. And laughter. So much laughter and a sense of humor and gratitude. We deserve nothing in this life. Absolutely nothing. I think the sooner we realize that, the sooner we get to be free and happy.

I would like to give Scott another baby, but I am so terrified to bring one more into this world right now. I don’t know if it’s fair to Baby Number Three with everything so uncertain right now. I am so fulfilled with the girls. They make us so happy already. My job is to love and protect them. Bringing in another mouth to feed and protect may just be too much if/when shit really hits the fan. I think we are done, but I pray that Jesus leads us in the right direction and to the right choices.”

I paused when I finished reading this because just recently in January I went to a parenting conference at our church. While I was at that parenting conference I texted Scott and told him if ever there was a time I felt God was talking to me, it was that day. I explained to him later that I felt deep in my heart that I was meant to have another baby. We had already been throwing the idea around because I had gotten to a place where I did want one, but wasn’t sure if we should. Well, God fully answered my prayer for guidance that day. So now Scott and I are on the same page and ready, but we aren’t really telling anyone our plan because Lord only knows if we will be successful. Making a baby is an honor and a miracle. And I am not getting any younger. AND (big and here) we already have two girls and everyone has already and will be asking if we are trying for a boy. No pressure. Of course we would love a boy, but we have prepared ourselves for a cheer squad as well. We will be just as happy to welcome either sex into our family. As hard as it will be, I think we will wait until we find out the sex to tell people the good news. We are praying for a healthy, happy baby.

So now, we are trying to find a house and to make a baby and hopefully we have a house before a third baby comes. So we pray and we work hard and we stay open to life’s possibilities. Jesus take the wheel.

“Be afraid and do it anyway.”

“Courage above fear.”

It feels weird to actually feel like you are growing up. I was just telling my mom the other day I can tell I am a grown-up now as we walked by two young girls with gaping holes in their jeans. I have always heard women talk about how they loved their 30’s because they really grew into who they were and felt the most comfortable in their own skin. I finally feel that. I am 33 and I finally feel like I know exactly who I am and what I want in life, and I am comfortable with those things and happy with where I am headed. Obviously there is always room to grow and I want so much more for my life, but I am content in this moment. I am confident in who I am and how I am leading my family. I feel calm and strong and fulfilled. I have strong values and a purpose in life. If you know me, you know my purpose is my children and my family. I don’t need more than that. It took me a while to be comfortable with telling people that I am a stay at home mom. Now, I could care less how people view that. Their view of my life is a reflection of their own personality and not mine. I LOVE being home with my babies. I feel so lucky that I get to be here with them. Not a day goes by that I don’t stop and really feel grateful to have this life.

I can also tell I am growing up because my relationships with people are changing. And I think that’s a good thing. It is easier now to recognize the people in life that bring me joy and lift me up versus the people who drain me or leave me feeling negative. I have committed myself to growth and integrity and joy. I am finding it easier and easier to leave behind relationships that don’t involve any of those ideals. I have also opened myself up to new experiences and am meeting a lot of new people, which I have been enjoying. The girls and I have started trying out a few churches and we keep going back to one that we enjoy. Scott works on the weekends so I drop the girls off in their classes and I get some alone time every Sunday.

I am also toying with the idea of giving up alcohol. Never in my whole life did I think I would say that. I just don’t want crazy drunken nights anymore, or hangovers. My liver and my thyroid would certainly thank me for it. It is nice here and there to have a drink, but I don’t NEED it. And while I go through healing my Hashimoto’s, I think it is probably the best decision to leave that behind as well. Now to convince my husband to get on board with me giving it up. Easier said than done.

So far my 30’s started pretty crappy, but things are looking up. I am growing up. I look forward to the rest of this decade and what it may bring. I look forward to more learning, more healing, more joy. I look forward to loving my husband and my babies and our life just the way it is.

“Please stop overthinking life like you have to have an answer to every feeling or situation. That’s not how life works. We figure it all out by just living, by fucking up, by missing an opportunity, by seeking advice and not taking it. We learn what’s important and what isn’t. Sometimes we have no fucking idea what to do and it’s scary but it’s okay. Always trust your gut and know that everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to be. It always does. Relax, we were never in control anyway.” -unknown

Chloe is napping. It is raining hard. Sienna is at school in her Christmas pajamas for her Christmas pajama party. Scott is in the shower. I am just sitting here filled with gratitude. We have a happy and healthy family. We have food in our refrigerator, we have a working heater, we have warm water, and we have a home.

We still don’t know where our life is headed or even, really, what direction it is about to go. We secured a rental home that will take us with our two adults, two toddlers, two dogs, and two cats. Praise the Lord. We move the week of Christmas. I will be packing up our house, hosting Christmas, and moving to our new home all in this month of December. And honestly, I kinda love it. I LOVE organizing and what forces me to organize more than moving into a whole new house. We will be downsizing a bit, so we will have to get a little creative, but this is temporary. I would love to have a new home by next Christmas, but we know we can make all the plans we want and God will just laugh at us. So we wait and we work hard and we stay ready and flexible for opportunities that come our way.

My dream for our long-term home is land. We would love to have at least three acres to fill with chickens, goats, and cows. Something small. Possibly with room for a little pond filled with fish. But something we can use our hands and our hearts to care for. Something we can use to provide for our family and teach our children to play hard and work hard. We want somewhere we can make memories and learn and grow together, and somewhere far away from the city. We want to be able to sit on the porch after a long day and watch the sunset together and talk about how thankful we are for the things we have. I want to wake up before the sun each day, make my coffee, put my mud boots on, and walk the land to say good morning to each of the animals. It is not a small responsibility. I do not for one second think it will be easy. But I know in my heart it will be absolutely be worth it. I could cry right now just imagining it. It is such a big decision for us to move out of state. We have our families here, we have our friends here and their kids. California is all either of us has ever known. The beach is here, and that is a big part of Scott. Scott has a great job here that he loves and does well at. This decision is not an easy one. But that is how heavy it weighs on my heart, that I am willing to give all those things up to make this happen. I would never force Scott to leave, but we have these conversations often and are making this decision together. We want our kids to grow up outside of California. We just need to figure out where is best for our family. So… we wait and we work hard and we stay ready and flexible for opportunities that come our way.

Speaking of Scott… he recently got promoted to Corporal and got nominated for FTO of the year. We are proud of him. He is working hard and it shows. He is such a loving husband and father to us. I wish his dad could see him. I think he would be so proud. If I could talk to him I would tell Chuck how great his son is to us girls. I would tell Chuck how he really listens to us and he works hard to make us happy. How he is so sweet and intentional with Sienna and Chloe and how he really tries to lead by example. I would tell Chuck how Scott spends so much family time with us and is sad to miss things while he is at work, but he still works hard to provide for our family. We are some lucky girls. I would also tell Chuck that Scott is a man of integrity and strong values. I would tell him his son is respectful, strong, stoic, and resilient. And I would tell Chuck that I have never known that I had the capacity to love a man as much as I love his son.

Well, I feel like I’m just being a big sap now. But I really am so grateful for this life. I know we will figure everything out. And really life is about the journey. So while we go through ours, we will breathe in the fresh air, put our bare feet to good use, sing at the top of our lungs, laugh till we cry, and get our hands dirty. If you think our hands are full, you should see our hearts.

“The sun looks down on nothing half so good as a household laughing together over a meal…” – C.S. Lewis

Wow. Well, it’s been a few months. My last time on here was January? Time (and life) just slipped away from me. But I’m back. Currently madly in love with my husband and my children (as usual) and working on my health and wellness. Oh, and looking for a house to live in. I have been having some thyroid issues that I am seeing an NMD for and I am finally starting to feel myself again. Thank you, Jesus.

Since January the girls have grown so much. Chloe is 15 months now and Sienna just started her second year of preschool. It is nice to have alone time with Chloe to really get to know her personality and give her one-on-one attention. She is so tenacious and silly and loving. We had her first birthday luau in May. It was windy as hell and chaotic! But we still had fun celebrating Chloe. Sienna got her first stitches (on her lip) and was so brave. She grew some butterflies and we had a butterfly release party a few days after her hospital visit because I still felt bad for her. She LOVED the release party and still talks about it every time she sees an orange butterfly.

Mom and dad took a trip to Park City, Utah, for a few days and had an amazing time. We took the girls on our first out-of-state family trip and surprised Grandma for her birthday in Arizona. We took Sienna on her first camping trip! Chloe stayed back with Grandma. Si slept in a tent with us and was barefoot the whole weekend. She had the best time ever.

I convinced Scott to agree to sell our house in the middle of the worst buyer’s market ever. We had multiple offers and sold our house in one weekend, which is great, but we are currently still on the hunt for our next home four months later while renting this one back. What was I thinking. The market for a buyer is INSANE. We are still trying to stay positive and keep our heads up, but starting to get a litttle nervous as it gets closer to December. Sometimes I get scared and down on myself, but then sometimes I remind myself you have to take big risks to get big rewards. Let’s just hope we get that reward!

I am tempted to say the world is falling apart, but I know our day to day life is still pretty normal. Covid is still here, and here to stay. Vaccine mandates are starting to roll out. We may have some big decisions to make in the near future, but maybe not. Only time will tell. Scott and I took a 30 day no drinking break. And then I took a 30 day no social media break shortly after. I really feel like both of those things had a positive impact on me. It took some discipline, especially for the alcohol part, but when it was time to reintroduce both things, I didn’t feel like I even needed to. Which was a great outcome. I didn’t realize how good the social media break was for me until I got back on Instagram. I am in a place now where I am not constantly checking updates or news events, I am able to see things and not feel immediate reactions, but rather just process and keep moving, and I don’t feel like I need to share everything on there. I am glad I took time away from both, and I plan to make that an annual thing.

I am still trying to figure out what my intentions are on this thing. Do I want it to be my online journal, a place for family to see updates, a place where I write to my girls for them to see later? I’m not sure exactly what I want yet. Still working that out. I feel more private lately, but I also still feel like I am getting back to my old self while working on this thyroid stuff and I still have LOTS of rambling thoughts in my head. So for now, I guess, this will stay my safe space while I navigate life.

“Train your mind to see the good in everything. Positivity is a choice. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.”

GRATITUDE: I am grateful to live in the U.S. I am grateful for my husband and the connection we share. I am grateful for my perfect children. I am grateful for my health.

I am so grateful for my life. My husband, my daughters, my family, my friends, my blessings, my challenges, my health, my everything.

I heard something recently that mentioned that if we ask God for patience, He doesn’t just hand us patience; He gives us opportunities to learn patience. For example, He gives us kids. LOL. If you ask God for a strong relationship, He gives you obstacles to get through together to help you build that strong relationship. At that moment, I instantly realized how grateful I was for everything Scott and I have been through together. God certainly knew what He was doing when he introduced us. And I instantly felt gratitude for the hard parts of my life. I have always known that it is all about mindset, and every challenge and every obstacle makes you stronger, but just hearing that idea just somehow turned my mindset from appreciating those things to actually being grateful for them.

I also want to take a second to put down in words how truly lucky I am to have Scott. At my wedding my best friend said every woman deserves not the perfect man, but the perfect man for her, and Scott is the perfect man for me. I honestly believe that, even on our worst days. He works so hard for our family. He works hard to make me happy. He is so intentional about loving our girls. He is more than I could have ever dreamed up for the father of my children. He is very even keeled, which I very much appreciate to balance me out (and which he’ll need being the only man in the house with three women). I am proud of him, in awe of him, and inspired by him in his line of work. He is compassionate, strong, steady, and very smart. I constantly wonder how he does the job he does. It’s not easy to go to a job where people who don’t even know you immediately hate you and you don’t know if the next person you come in contact with will be the one who tries to kill you. It’s not easy going to a job where you have to constantly be on high alert, make quick decisions that are life and death matters, know by heart and follow the law perfectly, see child abuse daily, see people shot and stabbed, etc., AND THEN come home to a family with little girls and a wife and be able to relax and be happy and contribute so much to your home and your relationships. I am so grateful that I have a husband who does it all. I don’t tell him nearly enough. (Side note: if you see a police officer and say hi or thank you or just be nice to them, it doesn’t only affect the officer, it affects their children/family too.)

I grew up in a police family with a mom who also deployed a few times while I was in high school, so I appreciate Scott’s commitment to and involvement in our family that much more. I am thankful for her sacrifice and the discipline my mom provided growing up, but when it comes to a family bond, I feel a little empty? unsettled? yearning for more?, especially around the holidays. I’m used to the feeling by now, but the holidays just bring it to the forefront. I have been a little apprehensive, this year especially, and I kept thinking it was because Scott works, which is sucky, but I think it’s deeper than that. I think I finally have come to the realization that I want Scott to be present for holidays so badly because I want that feeling of a full, close family and a loving space, and I want my daughters to feel that too. And maybe I have bad memory, but I don’t recall feeling that bond or that closeness for the holidays growing up, or maybe I just hoped I would feel it as I got older, and I definitely don’t have that with my mom or dad, and my brother (whom I am closest to) is in Japan. I have decided that the next house hunt will include a kitchen/dining area to host Thanksgiving or Christmas as a “must have.” I will create the home base for at least one holiday that any of the family can come to, but it will always be there and I will always make a big fuss about it. My kids won’t ever have to wonder where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing for that holiday because they’ll just know I will be hosting at my house and I will want my babies to be there with me. And the grandparents and the aunts and uncles and the cousins. Along with that, my mission with my girls is to create that bond with them throughout the years and show them that they are my priority in life and give them that loving family feeling. I hope they never write in their journal that they are missing out on a connection with their parents.

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

Christmas has me stumped. Not stressed or worried, just stumped.

Scott seems to work every single year on Christmas Day and/or Christmas Eve, so every year he comes home in the morning (because he works nights) and is dead tired and in a bit of a hurry to get to sleep. I get it. And this is the normal life of a law enforcement family. I’m not complaining. And I know Sienna has zero expectations for any holidays yet, so this is all me putting myself in this place, but I just have such a “hard” time figuring out how to make her Christmas Eve/Christmas Day just as special without Dad’s participation. I know it won’t be forever that Scott works the holidays, but I want to make it special for Sienna and Chloe now.

The other night I googled ideas for “Christmas for a single parent” but that just gave me ways to not be sad through the holidays. Not quite what I was looking for. I guess I just want some tradition or something we can do that will keep them excited and feeling like a family whether or not Dad is home for it. The grandmas come over for Christmas morning, usually, and do presents and breakfast. I am so grateful for that.

Being a police wife/family sure can get lonely, and this is just one example. I know I’m surrounded by family and friends, but it’s just not always the same when your husband/partner/baby daddy isn’t there to share things with you. I know we will continue to experience this for many years to come, I’m just still getting used to it now that Sienna is getting older and understanding more. And Covid doesn’t help for any 2020 holidays, but hopefully that will go away by next year (*crosses fingers*).

And I am sort of thankful we aren’t a fire family who doesn’t get to even hug daddy for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. I often wonder which is better: seeing him for his walk in and out the door and getting a hug or not seeing him at all to have to watch him walk out the door everyday. I think the more hugs the better. I bet Sienna thinks the same.

I’m also so grateful for and in love with the relationship that Sienna and Scott have. Chloe isn’t far behind. They love their daddy so much. It makes my heart so happy to see. I think that’s why I even care about the holidays like I do. I just want him to be able to have a full Christmas experience with us. To wake up “rested,” have some hot coffee with his wife, watch his daughters open their presents, and be awake with us for breakfast and laughs and Christmas music and family. One day.

Until then, my goal is to come up with some Christmas Eve tradition I can do just us girls. Cookies for Santa? Or for the neighbors on Christmas day? Christmas movie in some new pj’s with fun popcorn? Christmas music and pizza and smores? I haven’t decided yet. Maybe we’ll try them all.

Sometimes I wonder if I just need a bigger family? For when our kids are grown up, then we can have a house full at the holidays. And then Chloe cries and I realize someone has to still raise all those kids. Maybe once Chase and Vanessa and Ezra move home from Japan we can start some traditions with them instead. I can’t wait!

One day.

“The greatest legacy we can leave our children is happy memories.”

GRATITUDE: I am grateful that I have room for worries like holiday traditions, grateful for my healthy family, and grateful that we have such a loving dad and husband that makes our lives better by being in them.