I am so tired. The third trimester has hit me like a brick wall.
I am tired and out of breath and blah basically at all times. I am very thankful for a healthy baby boy, a healthy me, and a smooth pregnancy, I am just so tired. I can’t even keep my eyes open long enough to tuck the girls into bed. And then I am wide awake at 5 am, but still feel blue and blah throughout the day. Other than that, everything is going great pregnancy-wise. I have gained about 10 pounds total so far. I am still going to OTF once a week and the regular gym, although I am trying to slow down a little and listen to my body. I am also feeling overwhelmed a little about life and very emotional. I feel like I can’t keep up with anything and don’t feel like we have anything to plan for the future. Everything is unknown and up in the air and I am on the verge of a good cry every second. It is an extremely uncomfortable feeling. I am so used to being in control and even for the short times I’m not, I am able to snap out of it and get right back into my groove and I know, for the most part, what the future is going to look like, or at least what direction we are headed in. Maybe God is teaching me a lesson in letting go. I keep feeling a pull to just surrender to it all, and to Him, and have peace in the unknown. I’m trying. It’s hard. It’s hard not knowing where we will live or even where the baby’s room will be. Will the girls end up sharing a room because we stay in the rental? Will we stay in this rental? Buy a home? Will Sienna be homeschooled or go to kinder next year? Will the delivery go smoothly or will we have complications? Will I be able to deliver without an epidural? Will the baby get sick because he is born in the smack dab middle of winter? Will we be able to start saving money soon even with the pay cut we took to come out here? We are very lucky to have a roof over our heads, heat during the cold, clean water, etc., the girls need nothing, and we are healthy. I am very grateful for what we do have. Just feel a little stuck in this season of not knowing or having a plan. This is where we let go and let God.
The girls are growing up so fast. It breaks my heart to watch. No one warns you about the heartbreak of parenting. This too shall pass. They don’t stay little. And we will never have enough time with them, no matter how long we live. The days are so long and the years are so short. Our girls are so amazing and perfect in every way. I hope they can feel how much we love them. Truly, madly, deeply. They are the absolute light of our lives. Everything we do in life is for them. I am so lucky to have a partner in life who matches all of those feelings with our children. Through this complicated time, there is still something to be thankful for. I have to remember the good parts. I am so grateful for my babies and my amazing husband. I am very very lucky to have the little family I have. I hope they all know how much I love them.
We are sooo excited to meet our little man. HE DOES NOT STOP MOVING. I go to bed, he’s moving. I wake up, he’s moving. I sit, he’s moving. I work out, he’s moving. Always. Which is great. It just makes me want to see who is causing all the commotion in there! I wish I had a space to prepare for him. That’s a little bit of a bummer, but we don’t know the future so for now he just gets a bed in Mom and Dad’s room and a dresser in the guest room to change him on. I’m sure he’ll take up the whole house once he gets here. The girls can’t wait to meet him. Chloe talks to him all the time and gives him kisses and Sienna has started to sing him lullabies. They are going to be the best big sisters. My dreams of how my family would look are definitely coming true. For that I could not be more thankful.
The girls and I are planning to make a gratitude tree to put up in our hallway for the holidays. Everyone that comes over gets to add a leaf or two to the tree… we are excited for that. Actually, I think I’ll go start that with them now….
There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.