Every morning I write in my gratitude journal. This morning I went back to the beginning to see what I had written since last year and I found this entry from September 2021:
“What a crazy time we are living in. who knew 1984 would actually be real life. Well, I guess a few people since he wrote the book and someone made the movie V for Vendetta. This is not the time I ever pictured raising my girls in. I hope they don’t experience the worst of it. But I can’t help but think of the saying, ’you were born for such a time as this.’ I’m not sure if I feel like I’m growing up because of my age or because of the last two years happening. Maybe both. But I know I am changing. What I care about is changing. How I want to live my life is changing. How I want to raise my girls isn’t totally changing, but I am changing the ways I thought I would do it. I want nothing more for them than resilience and grit and calm and peace and strength and love and kindness and compassion. And laughter. So much laughter and a sense of humor and gratitude. We deserve nothing in this life. Absolutely nothing. I think the sooner we realize that, the sooner we get to be free and happy.
I would like to give Scott another baby, but I am so terrified to bring one more into this world right now. I don’t know if it’s fair to Baby Number Three with everything so uncertain right now. I am so fulfilled with the girls. They make us so happy already. My job is to love and protect them. Bringing in another mouth to feed and protect may just be too much if/when shit really hits the fan. I think we are done, but I pray that Jesus leads us in the right direction and to the right choices.”
I paused when I finished reading this because just recently in January I went to a parenting conference at our church. While I was at that parenting conference I texted Scott and told him if ever there was a time I felt God was talking to me, it was that day. I explained to him later that I felt deep in my heart that I was meant to have another baby. We had already been throwing the idea around because I had gotten to a place where I did want one, but wasn’t sure if we should. Well, God fully answered my prayer for guidance that day. So now Scott and I are on the same page and ready, but we aren’t really telling anyone our plan because Lord only knows if we will be successful. Making a baby is an honor and a miracle. And I am not getting any younger. AND (big and here) we already have two girls and everyone has already and will be asking if we are trying for a boy. No pressure. Of course we would love a boy, but we have prepared ourselves for a cheer squad as well. We will be just as happy to welcome either sex into our family. As hard as it will be, I think we will wait until we find out the sex to tell people the good news. We are praying for a healthy, happy baby.
So now, we are trying to find a house and to make a baby and hopefully we have a house before a third baby comes. So we pray and we work hard and we stay open to life’s possibilities. Jesus take the wheel.
“Be afraid and do it anyway.”
“Courage above fear.”