The other day I went to lunch with some girlfriends. During lunch I shared that I got a job and the immediate response was joyful congratulations from both women. And it actually made me uncomfortable. I know they were trying to be supportive and they were excited for me, but I instantly almost regretted saying it out loud. I truly know they didn’t mean anything by it, but in that moment of celebration I felt so small. Like they were so excited when they found out I had a job again, how did they feel before that moment? Were they not as excited for me to be home with my babies? Were they not as proud of my accomplishments at home because I wasn’t working? Did they not see me as a strong woman still before I told them I had a “job” that paid me instead of the job of being a mother and a homemaker?
This also came on the heels of a conversation I had with my best friend since I was 12, during which she told me she didn’t think I was the strong and independent woman she once knew. Sometimes I feel like I am alone on the outside looking in on a room where I don’t belong anymore. Does me wanting to engulf myself into raising my children and serving my family make me not strong? Does it make me less than? Because I don’t want to be part of a society that prioritizes the “hustle” over peace, or the corporate world over my children’s world? I just don’t feel the need to have a 9-5 or leave my home everyday and leave my kids in someone else’s hands. I struggle to see where that makes me less than or weak. Don’t get me wrong, I used to have a hard time telling people that I quit my job to stay home with my children. I hesitated before I would explain meekly that I stayed at home now, and I never left out that I used to work. But now, I realize what a necessary and important job I am doing. I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about my choices. Just because I stay home instead of leaving my kids to go to work also doesn’t mean my kids will never see an example of a hard working, strong, independent woman. I have always prided myself in being independent and strong, and I am no different in that way now.
I don’t say any of this to say that I think moms who leave the home to work are less than or better than. They are just different. I don’t think kids who have moms who work are doomed. I had a mom who worked, and I am still a strong woman. If my mom stayed home with us, I don’t really know how fulfilled she actually would have been. Maybe she would have been miserable and thus made our lives even more miserable. Who knows. All I know is that my children will be raised by their mother and father. They will always know that they are my priority in life. They will always see their mom and dad put their marriage before any job or friends or other distractions in life, and they will always have a safe space in our home. We will all learn and grow and make mistakes together. I will give my family the life I always longed for. And I am no weaker for it.
And another thing, I have a SIL who has been through some things in life that have left her feeling overwhelmed and in the middle of grief. She made a comment on the internet that she doesn’t want to have to be strong or resilient, she wants to be soft and vulnerable. But can’t we be both? Our society has made strong and resilient synonymous with tough, but I don’t think they are or have to be. I think people feel like they have to be one or the other, but why not both? Why can’t we be both strong and soft? Resilient and vulnerable? Independent, hard worker and SAHM. I think we can. I understand the sentiment of not wanting to have to go through hard things in life, but life IS suffering. Whether or not you are religious, all of life is suffering. The sooner we realize that we deserve nothing, and we are bound to suffer, but that is a good thing, the better our lives will be.
Anyway, all I know is I have never felt stronger. I have never felt more at peace. My life is not easier, I just feel more authentic and stronger and more fulfilled than ever before.
“But a woman raising her children is not only shaping the next generation, she is also shaping little humans who are going to live forever. The souls she gave birth to are immortal. Immortal. And somehow, our culture looks at a woman who treats that as if it might be an important task and says, ‘It’s a shame she’s wasting herself. She could be doing something important-like filing paperwork for insurance claims.'” – Eve In Exile