Ramblin' Woman

I am so grateful for my life. My husband, my daughters, my family, my friends, my blessings, my challenges, my health, my everything.

I heard something recently that mentioned that if we ask God for patience, He doesn’t just hand us patience; He gives us opportunities to learn patience. For example, He gives us kids. LOL. If you ask God for a strong relationship, He gives you obstacles to get through together to help you build that strong relationship. At that moment, I instantly realized how grateful I was for everything Scott and I have been through together. God certainly knew what He was doing when he introduced us. And I instantly felt gratitude for the hard parts of my life. I have always known that it is all about mindset, and every challenge and every obstacle makes you stronger, but just hearing that idea just somehow turned my mindset from appreciating those things to actually being grateful for them.

I also want to take a second to put down in words how truly lucky I am to have Scott. At my wedding my best friend said every woman deserves not the perfect man, but the perfect man for her, and Scott is the perfect man for me. I honestly believe that, even on our worst days. He works so hard for our family. He works hard to make me happy. He is so intentional about loving our girls. He is more than I could have ever dreamed up for the father of my children. He is very even keeled, which I very much appreciate to balance me out (and which he’ll need being the only man in the house with three women). I am proud of him, in awe of him, and inspired by him in his line of work. He is compassionate, strong, steady, and very smart. I constantly wonder how he does the job he does. It’s not easy to go to a job where people who don’t even know you immediately hate you and you don’t know if the next person you come in contact with will be the one who tries to kill you. It’s not easy going to a job where you have to constantly be on high alert, make quick decisions that are life and death matters, know by heart and follow the law perfectly, see child abuse daily, see people shot and stabbed, etc., AND THEN come home to a family with little girls and a wife and be able to relax and be happy and contribute so much to your home and your relationships. I am so grateful that I have a husband who does it all. I don’t tell him nearly enough. (Side note: if you see a police officer and say hi or thank you or just be nice to them, it doesn’t only affect the officer, it affects their children/family too.)

I grew up in a police family with a mom who also deployed a few times while I was in high school, so I appreciate Scott’s commitment to and involvement in our family that much more. I am thankful for her sacrifice and the discipline my mom provided growing up, but when it comes to a family bond, I feel a little empty? unsettled? yearning for more?, especially around the holidays. I’m used to the feeling by now, but the holidays just bring it to the forefront. I have been a little apprehensive, this year especially, and I kept thinking it was because Scott works, which is sucky, but I think it’s deeper than that. I think I finally have come to the realization that I want Scott to be present for holidays so badly because I want that feeling of a full, close family and a loving space, and I want my daughters to feel that too. And maybe I have bad memory, but I don’t recall feeling that bond or that closeness for the holidays growing up, or maybe I just hoped I would feel it as I got older, and I definitely don’t have that with my mom or dad, and my brother (whom I am closest to) is in Japan. I have decided that the next house hunt will include a kitchen/dining area to host Thanksgiving or Christmas as a “must have.” I will create the home base for at least one holiday that any of the family can come to, but it will always be there and I will always make a big fuss about it. My kids won’t ever have to wonder where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing for that holiday because they’ll just know I will be hosting at my house and I will want my babies to be there with me. And the grandparents and the aunts and uncles and the cousins. Along with that, my mission with my girls is to create that bond with them throughout the years and show them that they are my priority in life and give them that loving family feeling. I hope they never write in their journal that they are missing out on a connection with their parents.

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

Christmas has me stumped. Not stressed or worried, just stumped.

Scott seems to work every single year on Christmas Day and/or Christmas Eve, so every year he comes home in the morning (because he works nights) and is dead tired and in a bit of a hurry to get to sleep. I get it. And this is the normal life of a law enforcement family. I’m not complaining. And I know Sienna has zero expectations for any holidays yet, so this is all me putting myself in this place, but I just have such a “hard” time figuring out how to make her Christmas Eve/Christmas Day just as special without Dad’s participation. I know it won’t be forever that Scott works the holidays, but I want to make it special for Sienna and Chloe now.

The other night I googled ideas for “Christmas for a single parent” but that just gave me ways to not be sad through the holidays. Not quite what I was looking for. I guess I just want some tradition or something we can do that will keep them excited and feeling like a family whether or not Dad is home for it. The grandmas come over for Christmas morning, usually, and do presents and breakfast. I am so grateful for that.

Being a police wife/family sure can get lonely, and this is just one example. I know I’m surrounded by family and friends, but it’s just not always the same when your husband/partner/baby daddy isn’t there to share things with you. I know we will continue to experience this for many years to come, I’m just still getting used to it now that Sienna is getting older and understanding more. And Covid doesn’t help for any 2020 holidays, but hopefully that will go away by next year (*crosses fingers*).

And I am sort of thankful we aren’t a fire family who doesn’t get to even hug daddy for days, sometimes weeks, at a time. I often wonder which is better: seeing him for his walk in and out the door and getting a hug or not seeing him at all to have to watch him walk out the door everyday. I think the more hugs the better. I bet Sienna thinks the same.

I’m also so grateful for and in love with the relationship that Sienna and Scott have. Chloe isn’t far behind. They love their daddy so much. It makes my heart so happy to see. I think that’s why I even care about the holidays like I do. I just want him to be able to have a full Christmas experience with us. To wake up “rested,” have some hot coffee with his wife, watch his daughters open their presents, and be awake with us for breakfast and laughs and Christmas music and family. One day.

Until then, my goal is to come up with some Christmas Eve tradition I can do just us girls. Cookies for Santa? Or for the neighbors on Christmas day? Christmas movie in some new pj’s with fun popcorn? Christmas music and pizza and smores? I haven’t decided yet. Maybe we’ll try them all.

Sometimes I wonder if I just need a bigger family? For when our kids are grown up, then we can have a house full at the holidays. And then Chloe cries and I realize someone has to still raise all those kids. Maybe once Chase and Vanessa and Ezra move home from Japan we can start some traditions with them instead. I can’t wait!

One day.

“The greatest legacy we can leave our children is happy memories.”

GRATITUDE: I am grateful that I have room for worries like holiday traditions, grateful for my healthy family, and grateful that we have such a loving dad and husband that makes our lives better by being in them.

I want my family to thrive.

I was up at 5:00 a.m. this morning with Chloe after being awake with her all night while she cried. This week has been tough. Nothing is seeming to go right. I haven’t had much sleep, I haven’t worked out much. I’m not sure if the week has sucked because I haven’t worked out or if I haven’t worked out because it has sucked. Either way, I am not thriving. Chloe is teething and not sleeping well, I am having a major loss of self-control with food, I can’t catch up on Sienna’s school projects or house cleaning, and it seems like something is going wrong every step of the way.

Thriving is something I think and talk about a lot. I want to create a life in which myself, my husband, and my girls are all best set up to thrive, not just survive. Goggins says surviving is lazy. More specifically he says, “Don’t just survive life. Search your soul for your limits and kick the shit out of them!” This is the life I want to live. This is how I aspire to raise my family.

Routine is something I thrive on, and having a 5-month-old really throws a wrench in that. Also, just two kids with a husband who works an opposite schedule Tues-Fri (and lots of overtime) is not easy. But I take it as a challenge, an opportunity for growth. Some days are harder than others and some days are easier. My goal is to get to a place that our family can thrive in spite of our schedules and/or obstacles. A lot of people say to me “x y z happened” or “my kids did x y z and they are fine.” The difference is “fine” is not the standard we have set for our family. Scott and I both agree on that. We push each other constantly to be better and do better.

We are often quoting people with the no excuses mentality like Jocko Willink, David Goggins, Tim Kennedy, etc., to each other for motivation (even though it’s not about motivation, it’s about momentum, but that’s for a different post). So it’s extra unsettling when I have a crappy week or I hit a roadblock. GOOD (Jocko). Life is and will continue to be full of those. I am grateful that it makes me unsettled.

I told myself I was going to give myself till the end of this week to lock it up and get myself together, but already as I sit here writing this, I feel better. I feel a little recharged, a little relieved. I guess this journaling thing really does work. Time to go get some.

Jocko Willink – “Getting better isn’t a hack or a trick or a one change that you need to make. Getting better is a campaign. It’s a daily, weekly, and hourly fight. Against weakness, temptation, and laziness. It’s a campaign of discipline. A campaign of hard work and dedication. Waking up early, going to bed late, and grinding out every second in between.”

David Goggins – “Everybody comes to a point in their life when they want to quit. But it’s what you do at that moment that determines who you are.”

Tim Kennedy – “Stop looking for an easy way to be a warrior… there isn’t one.”

GRATITUDE: I am grateful for a husband who shares my thriving mentality, daughters who challenge me to be better, and coffee beans.

Stay At Home Mom. A mom who stays home and does not go to work, but boy does she still work. I don’t drive to an office, but man I feel like I work my tail off – make that my brain off. Each job I’ve had in my life, respectively, has demanded a greater skill level and required a higher performance level, and that did not stop when we decided I would begin my “job” as a SAHM.

I would never have guessed that me staying home with my girls would require such brain power, such creativity, self-motivation, self-discipline, such a giant sense of humor, patience, confidence, organization, flexibility, strength, grit, resilience, and gratitude. I could go on, but I digress.

In case you were wondering, I LOVE my work. I was recently asked how I liked staying home and in the moment I paused and replied with, “I don’t not like it.” Later that day I thought about my answer and I shook my head to myself wondering what I was thinking. I LOVE my job. Maybe I felt like I needed to say that because I was in the presence of business women and I was expected to say that? (There’s where that confidence comes in that I mentioned. I’m still working on that.) I am proud to stay home with my babies. I know not every mom is into her kids the way I am, and I love and respect that. We need woman to do whatever the hell sets their soul on fire and makes them happy. In this season of my life, taking care of my girls and my husband are what make me happy and set my soul on fire.

I have been going to summer camp since I was seven years old. Shout out to Dawn for forcing her 7-year-old onto a bus with a bunch of strangers and tears streaming down her face so she could get a week of peace and quiet. It was the best decision she ever made. I have gone back to that camp ever since. I quickly set my sights on becoming a camp counselor. They were so cool. So I did that. During that time on staff, my relationship with camp changed from going for my own personal gain to going for the campers. Then, oh then, I set my sights on becoming a leadership director. So I did that. I am in charge of helping high schoolers reach/exceed their leadership potential and help them transition to staff. Now it’s not the counselors that I think are so cool, it’s my high schoolers.

Camp is one week each year. Seven days out of the 365 in a year. Those seven days bring me such joy and calm and purpose and laughter. It doesn’t hurt that some of my very best friends are there with me to share that joy and purpose in working with those kids. My point of this story is that camp has shaped my views on children, on life, and how involved I want to be in raising my children. Camp is why this job is so important to me and why I feel so deeply about it. I would recommend summer camp 100% of the time. Thanks, Mom.

Anyway, where was I? Part of being a SAHM means not having a ton of adult interaction. Sometimes you can find yourself going a little crazy. Add that to the year 2020 with cop hate culture, politics, covid, politics, and cops being ambushed and killed because of politics, and you get a recipe for disaster, especially for someone like me whose mind NEVER stops running. Queue Ramblin’ Woman. I needed an outlet. Somewhere I could put my rambling thoughts down and hopefully put them to bed. This is my attempt to rest my mind and my soul.

And it’s gonna be A LOT of ramblin’.